Actually I'm not mad, well at least I'm not angry. Mad I might be, colorfully so!
Anger is an issue for many, and it's something that can momentarily control the emotions and even behavior of most of us, at least sometimes. Anger is a natural, necessary emotion that helps us set boundaries and know what's right or wrong, especially what's right or wrong for us. Unaware of the origins of our anger, though, we can let it spill out everywhere, at other people, at ourselves, at life itself. Or it can remain so contained inside some of us that we resist feeling it and never allow ourselves to fully feel when things aren't right for us.
My father never concerned himself with monitoring or restricting his anger. Everyone who knew my dad said of him, "Elmer's got a chip on his shoulder." Indeed. Deeper than that, though, I think my father had no idea what to do with his anger, nor where it came from. He seemed filled with anger much of the time, at least while I was growing up (ultimately he remarried, and he seemed to be happier then). Dad's anger must have been huge and overpowering because we saw evidence of it frequently, daily. He wasn't a screamer. But he frowned, he sneered with contempt, and he used profanity in a staccato fashion, never intoning the "f" word, but peppering his conversation with constant "goddamns". "If that goddamned waitress doesn't bring us the goddamned food soon, I'm going to goddamned give her a piece of my goddamned mind." Colorful? ...maybe in a play or in a book, but so scary to a child. His treatment of service people shaped my own attitude toward them — to be the opposite of my father. I can and will express disappointment about food or service, but with a soft touch and a light heart, approaches my father didn't have the tools to use.
Emotions associated with experiences we had when we were young can be triggered by certain words or events. My therapist, Bill, taught me that our anger (or other emotion) is "old", i.e. related to childhood experiences, when what we feel is beyond what would be appropriate for a given situation. If we feel anger and then begin to sort of willy nilly assign blame to situations and people, it can be old anger coming out sideways at people that really deserve no guilt.
It is helpful to realize the origins of our anger, which perhaps derives from a parent who was always late to our recital or graduation, or who yelled at us when we were innocent, or a teacher who ignored us, or classmates who bullied, insulted, or rejected us. In realizing that we are triggered by issues we have previously been wounded by, we understand why reliving such events feels so big to us. It's also quite possible, though, that we will never remember or come to know all the precise details of the origins of our anger. But we can stay aware and notice the level of our reactions. We can notice when we're going "down the tube" and then make a choice about how we want to feel. We can journal, talk to a friend, or use art & music to externalize and express our emotions. We can live our life rather than letting the events of our life rule us.
Off to work out!
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