Yesterday I was chatting with a dear friend of mine who shared that one of my other friends told her something critical about me that was shared by the second friend's mother. Now, mind you, the criticism wasn't of my moral character, nor of my sense of humor, intelligence, compassion, or any of those more important aspects I hope comprise my personality. The criticism was about messiness or the fact that my windows aren't always spic'n'span or something like that. Still, I must admit that hearing how this woman thought of me did sting a bit and the sting of it all stayed with me, like a deep pinch inside my gut.
On the one hand, I know that my reaction points to an area in me that needs healing. I experienced much criticism as a child and although I'm much less sensitive to it than I used to be, there are still comments that can get to me. So I'm thinking obviously I'm not that serene yet that I can toss off such a comment as someone else's "stuff". On the other hand, there can be learning here for me. Maybe I really do need to make sure my windows are cleaned more often. Or maybe I need to accept myself no matter what, understanding that no matter who I am - too messy, too clean, whatever - that someone might find fault. Life is like that. People are like that. Part of the issue in this case is that I have no recourse. I don't know my friend's mother enough to call her up and explain myself, or apologize for not meeting her standards, not that I should do that, of course. And given that the comment was shared by a third party, I don't necessarily feel comfortable approaching my friend, the daughter of the critic, because she didn't tell me this information directly. So it's left to prick my innards a bit till I work it out inside.
This morning I realized that there are so many things I don't know about my critic. She might think I'm the sweetest person she's ever met (or not). She might find me elegant or talented, funny or a nurturer (or not). The point is that I'm giving some weight - well, not that much, but enough - to one nth of someone's opinion of me, just the part I know, and I'm doing this based on information that's rather removed from the individual and the original conversation. What about the rest of me, the parts she might appreciate but that went unspoken in this particular exchange? I must assume that there's at least a chance that she thinks something positive about me amongst all my qualities. And if everything she thinks about me is critical; if she, indeed, likes nothing about me, is that a reason to question myself, or to feel ashamed, not good enough, embarrassed? I don't think so. If so, then I'm giving everyone else's opinions dominion over my feelings about myself, when who I am is so much more.
You might be wondering if I'm upset at my friend for sharing the less-than-favorable comment. I'm not. While it's true that I might be feeling more calm this morning, more at peace with myself in the world, had I not known what was said, the point is that something was said, and it's a part of the truth, and I think it's important in life that we are not undone by such simple things as someone else's opinion of us, someone else's "truth".
Take politicians, ministers, school teachers and principals - almost any leader in any capacity. They experience constant critiques of their work, and while the fortunate and talented are lauded and appreciated, even the best must be plagued at times by thorny reviews of their work. As a PTA officer I was the recipient of another parent's screaming anger about a decision that had been made years before my child was even in school. "I'm not even getting paid for this", I remember thinking. Certainly the more we put ourselves "out there" (in the world), the more people know us; and the more people know us, the more we will hear what they think about us. If we are lucky enough to be in a position to influence the lives of others, we will certainly receive their feedback. Obviously a considerable amount of people's opinions of us (or their opinions of anyone or anything) reflect their own experiences, values, and, it must be mentioned, baggage. Listening to someone's opinion goes a long way. It's passions that are overflowing, and if someone feels heard (and is heard) - if I understand them even when there's nothing that can be done, we have participated in a worthy human exchange. Working for a Fortune 500 company when I was younger, I learned from a trusted colleague how to listen and empathize with my customer's frustrations even though I wasn't always able to change the outcome. (There's a limit to this too, however. No one should be allowed to continually browbeat us.)
So how do we give credit and attention when it's helpful and weed out the rest? We must first be internally referenced. Being internally referenced means that we know who we are, and we are who we are for a reason. We make choices in life according to what's most important to us. While my friend's mom is washing windows, I might be listening to someone share something painful. This doesn't mean my friend's mother isn't compassionate too, but she spends her time differently than I do. Knowing how I spend my time and spending it doing what honors who I am - that's being internally referenced. Then I know who I am, and I'm willing to accept that my windows might go unwashed for a few weeks or months longer than someone else's because something else in life carries more importance for me, and I'm willing to know that there will be someone who doesn't appreciate the unwashed windows. When cleanliness is the most important thing to me, I'll be washing windows. Till then, I'll be doing what matters most to me.
Years ago I was in a job in which I was questioned and challenged constantly. I never could understand why the people I had to deal with weren't more trusting of me. Certainly I was worthy of their trust even in the early years. These many years later I realize that I lost some of my sense of self back then. I became more referenced by what the people I was working for thought of me than what I knew about myself. Sometimes life is simply messy, and relationships are messy, and there aren't always easy or quick solutions to hindrances. Sometimes we endure - or we must depart - a complex situation. But even when we are going through the most trying times with others, if we know who we are and why we do the things we do as we do them, and why it's all important to us, we can absorb the barbs in a soft cloak of understanding and self-acceptance and go about the work that is vital to us.
As the music director of a local church some years ago, I did my utmost to build the choirs and create a meaningful musical enhancement of the church services each week. Ultimately the minister, someone I admired and liked, told me that I would "come to hate" him eventually. Finding him such an appealing and warm person, this confused me utterly until evidence became obvious that he was out for my head. It was a heart-wrenching time. I resigned after it became apparent that the minister wanted to pin an extremely minor error in the order of service on me when it was actually a congregant leader who'd made the mistake. The choir voted unanimously to reject my resignation but, not wanting to contribute to what was already a nasty situation, I elected to go. I did explain myself in a letter to the minister, but I felt the most honorable choice was to exit. To this day I believe my decision was correct. If, even (or perhaps because) I was doing a great job and knew it, the situation was untenable, incendiary, and appropriately brought to a close. A few years ago I re-visited that church to attend the funeral of a former choir member. The minister, about to depart for a national leadership role in the denomination, went out of his way to be welcoming and friendly to me. I responded in kind and allowed this man's good will to ease and release the resentment.
In noting these thoughts today, I've reclaimed my sense of self and feel much less sting from the woman's remark. We cannot over-estimate how closely our well-being is attached to knowing who we are and moving in this world accordingly.
